survivor

I Told Myself This Would Never Happen Again

I told myself this would never happen again. After getting out of the last abusive relationship, I vowed to myself that I would never let someone treat me like that ever again.  And yet, not knowing how sick I was – the next relationship was more abusive than the last.  The stakes were higher, the abuse was deeper, and let’s just say there are a lot of sick folk out there.  I want to share this part of my story today.  I see other women going from man to man, from abuse to abuse, looking for the next Prince Charming.  And it hurts. It hurts to see it.  Because you know the price you paid to get out. And you don’t want to see another woman/girl hurt.

 

Narcissism

I wasn’t born stupid. Really. Intelligence has nothing to do with it.  I was deceived. I believed all the pretty little lies he said. I wanted a picture perfect marriage. I wanted the white picket fence.  Who doesn’t? I mean it’s not like you know the end from the beginning.  Hey if I knew then what I know now, my answer would have been, “NO way, not in a million years!”

 

After relationship upon relationship with Abusers I was forced to look in the mirror.  No I did not ask for it. No I did not want it, but lets face it – my ‘people’ radar was broken.  I was trusting people that were not safe. I was putting myself in a position to be hurt – again and again.  And I had to make a new choice. A choice to learn what a healthy relationship looked like, and admit that I wasn’t in one.  That hurt too.  What I thought I had was a lie.  The truth has a way of shining into the darkness and peeling away the lies I kept telling myself. Yeah, all the pretty little lies we tell ourselves – because we are afraid. And fearful. And have no friends, and no money by this point.

 

Lies I Told Myself While in an Abusive Relationship:

  • It will get better
  • He just had a bad day
  • He just needs a beer
  • I am really a screw-up
  • It’s all my fault
  • I wish I wasn’t so stupid
  • I should have…
  • You are lucky to have him, you could be alone
  • It’s not really that bad
  • Every husband hits his wife, right?
  • Nobody said it would be easy
  • Everybody fights like this
  • Maybe I could just jump off a bridge
  • You can’t get a divorce – God will hate you forever

 

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, get help today.  It really does not need to stay that way. As for me, I couldn’t do it alone.  I didn’t know how.  My first stop was the local YWCA and the Domestic Violence Center Advocate.  She listened as I shared my story. No judgement, no pointing fingers – she listened. And then I met a whole building full of other women who had been through the same thing.  Girl power. I was not alone. And me and the kids could be free. That was like a breath of fresh air right there!

 

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Categories: Activism, Depression, Domestic Violence and Abuse

13 comments

  • StrongerSoulSurvivor

    I loved this post, which was very honest. I relate to what you say very deeply, having left one abusive man just to wind up with another who was far worse.

    Having escaped domestic abuse at last, I have had the chance to reflect and learn about how that happened to me.

    Here’s the main factors that I attribute to this:
    1) Abusive people are expert illusionists. They sell an illusion of a ‘perfect’ partner. It is only once they feel comfortable that we will stay, that they begin to drop that beautiful facade.
    2) We are more vulnerable post-abuse. I thought that I needed a strong man to protect me from my ex, and because he knew this he also knew exactly which mask to wear.
    3) Living with domestic abuse often erodes our self-esteem and confidence in our own judgement. We need time on our own to invest in our recovery, to heal, and to learn our true worth before embarking on a new relationship.

    Thank you very much for sharing your experience. I felt so stupid for ‘allowing’ this to happen to me twice, so it’s great to read posts like this that remind me that I’m not alone :)

    • Diana Rasmussen

      I agree – expert illusionists. I am so glad you are safe. No you are not alone, there are many of us. Thank you for your insight into this – vulnerable, yes. I took a year off from dating anyone to get healthy. It was one of the best things I ever did. Blessings to you, Diana

  • Susan Irene Fox

    Diana, I’m so sorry. Like you said, your “people radar” has been broken. And it’s healthy and normal to want to be in a relationship. We all live in forms of denial, all tell ourselves those “little lies.” The great news is that you found a great support system who uplifted you, who reminded you of who – and Whose – you are.

    Let me add my voice to theirs: you are a beautiful, courageous, intelligent woman, unique and delightful, the daughter of a Father who is well pleased with you. <3

  • Anonymous

    Diana, wonderful message, and one that is needed for many who endure the same thing. Sending you spiritual hugs as you are loved deeply my sister!

  • Swiss-Ami-Mom

    Diania, I have always admired your strength to put out the word while opening up yours TO the world that is smart enough to read and listen. You do a tremendous justice to those seeking while meek and unsure as well as for those starting over, with showing strength in hope and conviction. Bless you…Heather

  • Wendell A. Brown

    Diana, your words shed a lot of light on the subject, and what you share so genuine and real…i pray that many will listen to them, and embrace them and understand others choices can be made that might free them from the torment and fear. My heart is moved deeply…hugs and blessings to you my friend and most of all a spiritually shared love!

  • secretangel

    I love this post. Your words are such truth and help so many. I tried to reblog it but could not figure out how to reblog your post. Many blessings to you, my sweet sister!!

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